Episode 7

Obviously I have been incredibly busy as I have not written in the past two months. So much for my goal of staying on top of this to help me process my life. Naturally, my life is in shambles. Today I submitted an assignment late (because I forgot about it) and I had a pop quiz (which wasn’t supposed to be a pop quiz, but I also forgot about that). So I am off to a great start for this semester. On top of that, I have a midterm next week that I haven’t even thought about and I am four chapters behind in my last class. I think you get the point and are most likely disinterested in my woes….

That being said, I am the happiest I have ever been. I am living. I am not allowing my anxiety to control my life. I am acknowledging that I have a lot to do, but I am not going to let it consume me. I spend an immense amount of time in the library, but it is about balance. I am still perfecting that concept, but I am proud of the progress I have made in the past year. I am feeling what needs to be felt. I am going out. I am laughing. I am eating. I am sleeping. I am being a human. I am making mistakes. I am learning.

And it is absolutely wonderful. I recommend getting a little behind in your work if it means that you can make some memories. As long as you are able to catch back up.

At the end of the day, studying all the time is miserable and you should let somethings go.

-Your local Duke Student

Episode 6

It is that time of year again- Finals. I study as I bob my head to Michael Bublé’s fantastic Christmas album. You should seriously check it out. I am obviously currently in the library procrastinating studying for my four finals (see previous post). I think it is ridiculous that professors leave most of our grades for the final week of the semester. I work my ass off all semester, but that is irrelevant if I don’t do well on the final. When the final exam is worth 45% of your grade, there is an unnecessary amount of stress that is added to your life. Does the rest of your hard work not matter? I mean, come on. The professors have to know that we are completely burnt out. Students are listening to their favorite Christmas albums and dreaming about being at home cuddling with their dog, sitting next to the fireplace. Definitely not speaking from experience….

As I go back to work, I have to remind myself that I absolutely love learning. School gives me opportunity to grow as an individual. I normally am reminded of how absolutely lucky I am to go to school like Duke when I walk past the Chapel.

At the end of the day when I gaze up at the gothic Chapel, I am overwhelmed with a feeling of appreciation and admiration. It is then that I realize that I have so much going for me.

So fuck finals and be grateful instead. That is what I am going to do.

Episode 5

I am going to write a poem. This should be interesting as I do not consider myself a very talented poet. Or a poet at all. But here we go!

“I am an expert at procrastinating,”

I said with a smirk.

I should definitely stop debating

and start my homework

Yet here I am,

pretending I can rhyme

when in fact I have an exam

in too little time.

Wow. I am impressed with myself. I have to admit that I used a rhyming website. I know, you are shocked. This masterpiece did not come with ease. Sorry to disappoint. I really should be studying for my four upcoming finals… I am in the library, does that count for anything?

Episode 4

How sad is it that I was lying in bed all snuggled up on Thanksgiving break and I was unable to sleep due to schoolwork. Instead of sleeping off all the turkey and cranberry sauce I ate, I was consumed by thoughts of my deadlines approaching. For a college student, the start of the holiday season doesn’t just mean doorbuster sales and peppermint hot chocolate, but rather it signifies the loathed finals week. With two quizzes, two papers, and four finals approaching in the next two weeks, I have found myself questioning my time spent relaxing with my family. And that is just sad.

Despite acknowledging the depressive nature of my excessive worrying, I got out of bed to submit two assignments. So here I am, wishing I spent the last week in the library rather than watching Mulan with my sister. It leads me to wonder why I work so desperately hard. I have come to the conclusion that with everything else in my life falling apart, at least I can count on getting good grades. If I work hard at that, I know I can succeed. I wouldn’t be a Duke student if I took on challenges that I knew I might fail at. That is probably why I am unable to ‘take a leap’ or go on an adventure. It is also probably why I am afraid of heights. I am ridden by fear and the thought of failure makes me cringe.

At the end of the day, I am a Duke student and our biggest flaw is that we aren’t familiar with failure.

Episode 3

I have never been in a relationship. As someone who turns 20 soon, this is quite unusual. I’ve had  exclusive “things” because labeling relationships is waaaaay overrated. I like to think that this a reflection of society rather than as a result of me. At least that is what helps me avoid turing into a pile of self-pity and insecurity.

Up until now, I don’t think I was ready to be in a relationship. The thought of letting someone in- the thought of someone loving me was terrifying. How could someone love me when I was so fucked up? They couldn’t. And if they thought they could, I’d make it very clear that I was not worth their time. I’d push them away and be downright cruel. I would do some awful things in order to protect myself and the guy. Getting involved with me would be so messy. People don’t want messy; they want easy. Hence, I am on a 19 year streak of being single. It is quite impressive, if I say so myself.

After spending so much time working on myself (and becoming less fucked up), I now feel prepared to begin dating. However, at an institution like Duke, this is not only daunting, but nearly impossible. Duke is plagued by a ‘hook up culture’. One night stands are more prevalent than long term relationships. So as I embark on my journey of dating, I am met with disappointment. It has lead me to doubt myself.

Why isn’t anyone interested in taking me out on a date? What is wrong with me? Is it because I am a prude? Am I not presenting myself in the right manner? Am I looking in the wrong places? Are my standards too high? What do I need to change?

Upon reflection, these thoughts are absolutely ridiculous. I should never have to feel that I need to change myself in order to be more attractive to men. The fact that thought even crossed my mind is a major fault in the Duke dating culture. There is nothing wrong with me. Duke students (myself included) have so much going on- school, extracurriculars, greek life, work, school, school, and mostly school. There is no time to spend on dating when sexual urges can be satisfied at the notorious local cowboy-themed night club, Shooters II. Being in a relationship at Duke requires a lot of time and energy that is better designated towards studying and the debate team. If something is meant to be, things will work out. In the mean time, I am just going to be patient and I am not going to lower my standards.

At the end of the day, I just have to keep telling myself that I am worth being loved. And so are you.

Episode 2

A letter to my best friend,

I apologize for hurting your feelings. It wasn’t at all my intention. When I lashed out at you, it wasn’t premeditated. I hadn’t even acknowledged all of those emotions when I addressed you about them. Rather, I had suppressed them to the point that I was uncertain of their existence. I was angry and hurt because I felt as though you hadn’t given me the room to feel what I needed to feel. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to cry. I wanted to not have to pretend. In retrospect, you gave me the space. I just didn’t take advantage of it.

In previous friendships, I was instructed not to show my feelings. It was not my place to be upset. My opinion didn’t matter. I couldn’t play a role in helping my best friend become a better person. She was already perfect and I was the one who needed work. I have always been screwed up. In the past, any attempt to voice my feelings are thoughts about a relationship were unwelcome. She simply didn’t care.

I am now realizing that you actually want to be the best friend you possibly can be to me. And this is a completely foreign concept to me. So please understand that it might take some time for me to get used to. I have never had someone who cares so much about me. I know I am a good friend. I always have been and I always will be, but I am quite uncomfortable with people being so good to me. Even though you tell me that I do, I still have the mentality that I don’t deserve the support you give me. How can I deserve it?

I hope you understand that my anger is not your fault. I have never had someone who always had my back and who loved me unconditionally as you do. It is so new to me that I need time to figure out how to receive your friendship and your love. Thank you for being so incredible to me. At the end of the day, I hope you forgive me for my temper and for my flaws.

Sincerely,

Your friend

Episode 1

Excuse my stream of consciousness. Welcome to my thought process… I am writing this because I would rather not take my frustrations out on my friends and family. I am going to use this as a therapeutic process, so I don’t end up friendless and homeless. That sure would be depressing. And I truly need a support system.

I am currently upset due to an accumulation of things that most college students face. Stress about school and my job, but mostly importantly, my date for semi this Friday cancelled. However, what I am most upset about is not meeting expectations. Whether that is expectations for myself or my expectations for others, it appears that disappointment is something I am learning to deal with. Throughout my life, I have worked to constantly prove people wrong. Being a petite, blonde female, I have always been insecure about my appearance. I fear that people do not take me seriously or respect me. I have been told that I don’t really have to worry about school because I am pretty. And I have been followed walking home from work. I once got catcalled 10 plus times on a 45 minute run. I’ve filed sexual harassment claims at my workplace. Society was telling me that my physical appearance was all I would surmount to. I worked my ass off to surpass their expectations. I was going to prove everyone wrong. I am smart and I wanted everyone to know it. This drive and competitiveness consumed me. It lead me to believe that I wasn’t allowed to show my weaknesses. I couldn’t do that; I couldn’t let people know that I was scared. Scared of disappointment, scared of failure, scared that they were right, scared of what this mindset was doing to me. It was making me hard. I wasn’t allowing myself to feel. I ignored my own anxieties and suppressed my emotions. It was easier that way- not to face it all.

This August everything blew up. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. In my drive for perfection and control, I had lost the ability to eat. I lost the ability to get out of bed. I lost the ability to sleep through the night. I lost the ability to genuinely smile. I lost the ability to enjoy music. I lost my independence. I lost my happiness. I lost all control.

And I was scared. I am scared. But I am ready to face this fear. Because this is no way to live.

My motto for this semester has been human connectivity. I think there is unbelievable power in my story. I think people need to know how I was consumed with this anxiety. I spent five years hiding my panic attacks and depression and it almost destroyed me. I like to believe that sharing what I am struggling with has allowed me to relate to people who I might not otherwise. People can come to me because they know I will understand. And that is the most beautiful thing that can come out of this. If my opening up means that someone no longer feels alone, then this is all worth it. All of my struggles are worth it because I know how daunting it is to feel absolutely alone. I have been there. I remind myself that I am loved and that I have the ability to love others. I think that other people need to know the strength they have within them. I think that people should acknowledge that is okay to not be perfect (in fact, believe it or not, perfection doesn’t exist). Being vulnerable is the most beautiful state a person can be in. At the end of the day, it is okay not to be okay.